Every so often I get an e-mail from a friend who I like to take my liberty with and share with the readers of the St. Pauls Excuse. I received one lately from a redneck friend. It was titled Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners. I have always known that I am a redneck because my friend Henry Ugalde has always told me I are one!
I know that that must be so because Henry was a Cuban and he knew what a redneck are. I know that the origin of Redneck was from the farmers plowing all day in the field and the sun bearing down on the back of their necks and changing the color of the skin, red.
I know that most of the ladies were able to get past the Redneck years, but some of us guys got locked in the attitude and cannot get out. I could not even spell rednek but when I found out I r one, I learned how to spell it. Here are some tips.
In general, never, ever take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It is always considered in poor taste to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed it is time to change the sheets. Even if you’re positive that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
When dinning out and drinking from the bottle, always hold your fingers over the label and remember not to throw your scraps and bones on the floor, the restaurant might not have a dog.
While entertaining in your home, remember the centerpiece of the table should not be anything that comes from the taxidermist and never let your dogs eat from the table no matter how good you think your dogs’ manners are.
As for personal hygiene, one should clean your ears in private with your own truck keys!!! The proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days but if you live alone, deodorant can be a waste of good beer money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a complete social no-no and will obviously distract or detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger food.
When dating outside the family, you should bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date. Always be aggressive and let her know that u are interested and be sure and tell her that u always wanted to go out with her since u read that stuff on the bathroom wall. Establish what time that her parents want her home, some will tell you 10 p.m. and others will tell you Monday. If they tell you Monday, remember, it is your responsibility to get her to school on time. Always be positive and compliment her on her appearance, example, you may tell her she does not sweat much for a fat gal.
Weddings are special events, so remember that livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. It is inappropriate to tell the groom that you wrote her number and name on the bathroom wall in the bar, and kissing the bride for more than 10 seconds may get you shot. The groom must rent a TUX because a leisure suit with a clean bowling shirt may be too sporty—and shoes and socks, no matter how uncomfortable, must be worn.
Driving etiquette is what we lack quite a lot of. Please dim your headlights when approaching another vehicle even if a deer is in sight and the gun is loaded. When approaching a four way stop, remember the truck with the biggest wheels has the right a way. Never tow another vehicle using pantyhose or duct tape. Never relieve yourself while driving and do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession. When sending your wife down the road with a can of gas, it is considered bad manners to ask her to also bring a case of Budweiser.
Ps. it is always too hard to solve a redneck murder because the DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.