The 40 step instructions that men use for an Oil Change
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin a cussing session. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Drink another beer. 29) Clean up and bandage your hands as required to stop blood flow. 30) Replenish your with blood with beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Time for another beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Thirsty, time again for another beer—boy they are tasting better.
36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts; $50.00 DUI; $2500.00 Impound fee; $75.00 Bail; $1500.00 Beer; $20.00 Total; $4,145.00.
But in your mind you know the job was done right!
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to a Jiffy Lube business when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change; $30.00 Coffee; $1.00 Total; $31.00 Now, who is the smarter sex, oops, xxx of the species?
New drugs at school
There is a very scary thing going on in the schools right now that we all need to be aware of. There is a new type drug named Cheese, and a new type of crystal meth, Strawberry Quick, going around that looks like strawberry pop rocks (the candy that sizzles and ‘pops’ in your mouth).
This is something that you should know about even if you do not have any kids in school… Parents, grandparents, family, friends and the community should know about these killer drugs.
Strawberry Quick smells like strawberry and is being handed out to kids in school yards.
They are calling it strawberry meth or strawberry quick. Kids are ingesting this thinking that it is candy and being rushed off to the hospital in dire condition. It also comes in chocolate, peanut butter, cola, cherry, grape and orange. Please instruct your children not to accept candy from strangers and even not to accept candy that looks like this from a friend (who may have been given it and believes it is candy) and to take any that they may have to a teacher, principal or law enforcement immediately
Cheese is a combination of black tar heroin and crushed up Tylenol PM Tablets and hits of it sell for a buck or two. Like any type of heroin, Cheese is highly addictive and deadly. If that’s not enough to scare you, the drug pushers are cooking it up special for kids. Heroin is normally an adult drug but it seems that the dealers are looking more toward the younger market for growth and have taken a page from the cigarette companies’ playbook. Pass this on to as many people as you can (even if they don’t have kids) so that we can raise awareness and hopefully prevent any tragedies to our kids from occurring.
PS. I am not a complete idiot—some parts are still missing!!!